How to win an argument
How to win an argument
“A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still!” Benjamin Franklin
You really want to win this argument?
Courtesy of www.theguardian.com
How to win an argument?
YOU CAN’T!
What happens when you beat someone down into agreeing with you, just for the sake of stopping the argument?
Losers don’t get mad, they get even! That’s right; you just make enemies for the future!
So, #how to win an argument, really?
You must understand what goes on in someone’s mind while they are having an argument, or when they are angry or upset or afraid, and learn to work with it, harness their emotional state, so they can be better people and work through the issue. Only then, do you learn how to win an argument. And it’s not by winning the argument!
What DOES go on in someone’s mind while they are angry?
To understand this, you need to understand a little basic psychology – it will only take about a minute.
When someone is angry, fearful, upset, sad, depressed, terrified or even just bored, their mind is not in a state where rational thought is possible for them. All they can do is react to stimuli. That’s right, like an animal! They are operating from the reactionary part of their mind, the old animal part, the part that was there when we were a species living in caves, frightened of the dark and sabre toothed tigers. We HAD to react, to survive. In effect, this part of the brain is survival territory, where the only instincts are fight, or flight!
How is this valuable, when all you want to know is how to win an argument?
blub, blub, blub…
Courtesy of www.stthomasblog.com
If you picture someone who is in one of these states, imagine that they are underwater. You have to raise them up, so they can breathe, hear your question and respond. Underwater, all they can do is thrash about, trying to survive.
How do you raise the mind up from those depths?
Ask it a question. It really IS that simple.
Not any question. “How’s the weather down there?” might not get the right response.
But if you are arguing with someone, or they want to argue with you, here’s a question that will work:
“HOW can WE sort THIS out?”
There is a VERY specific structure to this question.
An argument has two sides, both adversarial, against each other. “You did it!” “I did not!” And never the twain shall meet, because they are both down in that animal survival instinct area.
But when you ask “HOW can WE sort THIS out?” you have triggered something that the mind is programmed to respond to. The first part is WE.
WE are sorting THIS out!
Image from www.last.fm
Rather than adversarial combatants, you have just grouped yourself with them on a team of two, against THIS, the subject of the argument. You introduced a third-party to the discussion, and put yourself on-side with them, against this third-party. That third-party, the issue, is now a problem you work on solving, together!
And you asked a processing question, HOW. The mind cannot process while down in those depths, so it comes up – sometimes only for a moment, but it comes up to process, into a state of mind where it IS rational, where it CAN respond intelligently, and think about a genuine answer to your question. However fleeting, you got their mind up to where it can process.
What is THIS part of the mind?
This is where the emotions of interest, exploring, asking, and leading up to enthusiasm, happiness and bliss are found. This is where people get enjoyment out of creating, communicating, playing, enjoying doing things. And the lower levels of this, around interest and asking, is where you raised the level of their state of mind to by asking a question.
It may almost immediately seem to sink into the depths again. Be encouraged that you got it to move the first time. Try again. Ask “WHAT can WE do to fix THIS up?” And again: “HOW can WE resolve THIS ISSUE?”
Their mind is now processing all those questions, the more you ask them, up to a point of course, the more they need to process them. However, the mind can’t be in two places at once. It can’t remain angry about THIS ISSUE while processing questions about it, and their anger will subside enough for a rational, if still heated discussion to take place.
Key point 1: How to win an argument is not how to win an argument, but how to raise the emotional tone of the person’s mind so that you can communicate with them, rather than just get reactions from them. Do this by asking HOW, WHAT, WHERE, WHEN to get them processing.
All in this together!
Image from suvendubabu.blogspot.com
Key point 2: How to win an argument is not how to win an argument, but how to work with the other person to resolve an issue. When you put WE into your question, you join forces with them.
Key point 3: How to win an argument is not how to win an argument, but how to stop being the focus of their anger, and put the focus on the issue! Play the issue, not the person. Make the issue the protagonist, to recipient of their energy, not you.
Where to from here?
If you learn to use this language pattern in your everyday communications, you will have many fewer arguments. #How to win an argument will no longer be an issue – this is a negotiation technique superior to anything else out there, because it prevents the argument happening! When you find a discussion descending into those depths, your adept use of questions will quickly bring it back up and resolve the issue, whilst you maintain your relationship…
Think back – how many times would this have solved a problem, or prevented an argument for you?
To learn this way of thinking, and to create your own supportive environment around you to encourage this to become your natural language, it’s worth looking at a structured program to assist you to develop it. Check out this blog.
Or check out the Life Changing program here.
If you know other people who want to know how to win an argument, or who you feel would find this post valuable, please reblog it or share it with them. Let’s add some more value to this world!
Til next time, fair winds and full sails!
Ray
Thanks Ann, great to have your comment. This is a really important subject and the world needs to know about these things – Lord knows there are enough arguments – we need a few more resolutions, and people playing on the same teams…!